The Staton Jones Report: It's a Joke, Son Archives

December 28, 2006

Cover of the Year

Posted by Steven at 10:36 PM | Comments (0)

March 13, 2006

Stop Mad Cowboy Disease

Posted by Steven at 10:08 PM | Comments (0)

[Proposed] New GOP Logo

Posted by Steven at 10:06 PM | Comments (0)

March 06, 2006

Mesage For You, Sir!

'nuff said? This man has an 18% approval rating, BTW.

Posted by Steven at 06:08 PM | Comments (0)

December 14, 2005

President Has Stroke, Admits Fault in War

In a bizarre incident today, President Bush accidentally had a stroke, and admitted responsibility for the failed intelligence leading to the War in Iraq.

The President, seen on the left moments before his stroke and subsequent babbling about "responsibility", was giving a speech at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars in Washington. It's unclear which medical facility he was rushed to, or whether or not Vice President Cheney will issue a retraction.

Posted by Steven at 12:18 PM | Comments (0)

October 10, 2005

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Driftglass is one of my favorite bloggers. Generally lefty topically, clever turns of phrase and witticisms, a good eye for detail.

But this stuff left me gasping for air. If you're like me, brain cells sufficiently steeped in Monty Python material that you can quote chapter 'n verse, you'll probably have the same response. Go, read.

The GOP Cheese Shop.

The Norwegian Blue Justice.

Posted by Tom White at 02:02 PM | Comments (0)

September 14, 2005

Teacher! I Have To Make #1

Posted by Steven at 10:06 PM | Comments (0)

September 01, 2005

Louisiana Regime Vows to Destroy Entire U.S. with WMDs

In a speech that was as firey as it was unexpected, Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco announced that "the Islamic Republic of Louisiana" was declaring a Jihad — a Holy War — on the United States of America, which she referred to as, "The Great Satan." The Governor appealed to "all true followers of Allah," as well as, "homosexuals, pornographers, abortionists, and liberals," to join with Louisiana to "destroy all freedom and Christianity."

The most alarming feature of this threat was her claim that Louisiana had a large and deadly stockpile of WMD material. According to the Governor's speech, this formidable arsenal was going to be unleashed in attacks against the United States, and would also be used to supply deadly capabilities to other enemies of the U.S., "especially Al Qaeda and the U.N."

Louisiana recently demonstrated the destructive force of it's WMD (Weather of Mass Distruction) technology in an above-ground test that effectively destroyed the city of New Orleans. Although scientists have denied that Louisiana possesses the capability to target another city with a similar attack, that is just a "theory" and it's just as valid as my theory which says that Louisiana has enough Hurricane Juice to destroy every living thing on Earth, and select portions of Middle Earth as well.

Naturally, the whiny anti-war Communists see no reason to believe that the regime leaders in Baton Rouge have any connections with islamic terrorist organizations. This assessment directly contradicts explicit claims made by Governor Blanco herself:

As a Democrat, I spend every waking moment conducting an intensive campaign to destroy freedom in America and enslave the world under the Illuminati New World Order. For this reason, it should come at no surprise that Lousiana is the number one location, worldwide, for terrorist training and support. Not convinced? New Orleans has a French Quarter! French!

Actually, I should say that it had a French Quarter — before we used our secret WMD arsenal to destroy it. That's right America, not only have I used WMD's, but I used them on my own people. Evil? Oh, that's just the part the liberal media let's you hear! They won't report the really evil stuff because then you'd all vote Republican, instead of just 90% of you.

Public reaction, both in America and abroad — well, Canada — was mixed. Some Americans cowered like the predictable liberal appeasers they are and dismissed the threat posed by the Blanco regime. "Yes, Louisina was seized from the native inhabitants in a bloody, genocidal colonial period, and it also permitted the brutal practice of slavery for a rather long period of time, but that's true of most American States," said the Blame-America-First 2005 Poster Boy. Liberals! It's always about what America did wrong!

An expert on Fox News (isn't that redundant?) said that there is overwhelming evidence corroborating Governor Blanco's claim that Lousiana is home to over 700 million terrorists, In fact, the expert believes the true number is closer to a billion during the annual pilgrimage known as Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras is a French festival celebrating the killing of puppies, kittens and Christian teens who say "no" to smoking pot, according to a web site I found.

The official government reaction has been muted, and President Bush has pointedly avoided any public actions or statements that might suggest the threats are affecting him. "The terrorists want us to retreat, to hide in our homes and give up our freedom. America will never give up its freedom." Bush demonstrated his dedication to "rejecting a life of fear," by extending his vacation for another two weeks, even though he was, "a little bored," with the range recreational activities available at his Texas ranch. Behind the scenes, however, there is evidence that more is action taking place.

"Kathleen Blanco is a known Democrat, and has personally killed many, many, babies in Satanic rituals honoring the Clintons," said a senior Administration official. The official went on to explain that there is little hope for a diplomatic solution to this situation. The Bush Adminstration remains confident that any diplomatic efforts that are attempted, can be stopped before there is any danger of averting the use of military force. The official, who has close contact with the highest levels of the Bush Administration, spoke on the condition that we would not reveal his name.

His wife's name is Lynne Cheney.

Meanwhile, the boldest talk of American reprisals has come from Blanco herself. Vowing to "crush all American counterattacks," Blanco pledged that Lousiana would prevail regardless of American efforts to unseat her regime:

Go ahead, America! Send your National Guardsmen to Louisiana! Restore order! Deliver emergency supplies to devestated areas! Rebuild our roads, our power plants, our hospitals and our schools! We dare you! Sure, if you rebuild New Orleans, making it the greatest city on the Gulf, with a modern convention center, world-famous nightlife and year-round cultural attractions, then you might just establish your so-called democracy in the Gulf States... but we'll never let you succeed! The cowardly American people will never support your efforts to bring freedom, restore electrical power, and build low-cost housing for the poor and elderly displaced by the floods!

After Bush watched a telecast of Blanco's speech — well, listening to it, he was "resting his eyes" for most of the meeting — Bush said only this, "Are we done? I'm hungry."

Although his only other remark was, "What's for lunch?" there is no doubt that President Bush was already pondering much more important questions: is there oil in Louisiana, and where is it, exactly?

Posted by Winston Smith at 08:06 PM | Comments (0)

August 26, 2005

Nation's Blowjoblessness Rate Rising

The Onion is covering a national crisis in blowjoblessness that is driving the U.S. economy from a turgid state to a flaccid recession.

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of a recent drop in the sexual-interest rate, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao announced Tuesday that blowjoblessness in America has reached a record high.
According to Labor Department statistics, the overall blowjobless rate swelled to 37.4 percent in July, causing widespread deflation of egos.

"Cutbacks in oral services have left 55 million Americans unsatisfied," Chao said. "Although June saw a promising jump in the age 15-19 demographic, with many teenagers finding summer blowjobs, almost 82 percent of married men are completely blowjobless."

The historically fluid blowjob market reached its climax in 1996, when millions of wives and girlfriends vigorously stimulated the privates sector. But while demand has remained extremely high, supply could not, or would not, keep up. As a result, the blowjobless rate has climbed steadily, and today's limp market shows few signs of immediate expansion.

According to Chao, long-term relationships are responsible for the loss of many of this year's blowjobs.

"Over time, traditional blowjob providers prioritize other services, eventually eliminating those blowjobs that they deem unnecessary," Chao said.

"Blowjobs are not as plentiful as some Internet sites would lead you to believe," said blowjob-market analyst Tom Cochran. "Overall, it's an extremely dry market. I myself haven't had a blowjob in years."

"And it's not from a lack of trying," Cochran added.

And it gets worse on the actual article. Blow Job sez, "check it out!"

Posted by Steven at 04:34 PM | Comments (0)

July 13, 2005

Rove's Leaking

'nuff said?

Posted by Steven at 03:05 PM | Comments (0)

April 23, 2005

See The Original!

Just to piss off Skates.

You sick little monkey! -- Skates

Posted by at 10:04 AM | Comments (1)

April 20, 2005

4/20

What?

Oh! Dude, it's 4/20. You know what that means. It's like... wait. Dude.

Hold on a minute, this post was going to be about something. No, no, no, don't tell me, I'll remember. It's about... no... oh yeah! I was at Taco Bell yesterday and I saw this, like, really fat guy, and he was, like, ordering a lot of tacos and I'm all, man, are you gonna eat all those tacos, 'cause you should be, like... y'know... on a diet or something.

What? Oh, am I posting? Oh shit, man, I totally forgot I was typing this in. That's soooo funny.

So. What's new? I'm just hangin'. Just postin'. Oh, shit! My post.

Yeah, so something's happening today. It's the Pope or something... damn.

I'll remember it later.

Hey, you going to Taco Bell?

Posted by at 10:10 AM | Comments (0)

January 20, 2005

Why Today Didn't Turn Out Differently

Posted by Steven at 10:22 AM | Comments (0)

January 13, 2005

Arthur Holds Food Court At Camelot

Except that, no, it's not a joke. It's real. The cycle of history is complete.

Limited area of availability, but no doubt eBay will solve that right away.

Posted by at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)

January 02, 2005

The Only Annual Review You Ever Need

2004 is done and gone, as is the custom. While I will look back on it as The Red Sox Championship Year Of My Lifetime (even if there is another one), there's a large measure I'd rather forget as well, though in some certain and specifically revolting ways we'll be braving the next four years as a result. Well, onward. I agree with Steve that for the most part we need not rehash 2004, but one chronicler's take is always worth checking out, the inestimable Dave Barry.

Some choice bits:

We somehow managed to hold a presidential election campaign that for several months was devoted almost entirely to the burning issue of: Vietnam.

Osama bin Laden remained at large for yet another year (although we did manage, at long last, to put Martha Stewart behind bars).

...the Bush administration, increasingly disturbed by the bad news from Iraq, cancels the White House's lone remaining newspaper subscription (Baseball Digest).

In other political news, Russian president Vladimir Putin easily wins re-election, despite exit polls indicating the winner was Howard Dean.

...U.S. gasoline prices reach record levels when, in what economists describe as a freak coincidence, two drivers attempt to refuel their Humvees on the same day.

...the Department of Making Everybody in the Homeland Nervous raises the Official National Terror Index Level to "Yikes!" based on having received credible information indicating that al-Qaida terrorist cells are, quote, "up to something" and "could be in your attic right now."

...former President Ronald Reagan dies and embarks on a weeklong national tour.

...President Bush, reacting to news of a projected sharp increase in the federal budget deficit, vows to find out if this is a good thing or a bad thing, or what.

...experts say (hurricane damage) would have been much worse if not for a dense protective barrier of TV news people standing on the beaches and excitedly informing the viewing audience that the wind was blowing.

...Bush states that being president is really, really hard, for him, anyway.

...US Airways files for bankruptcy for a second time, only to have a federal judge rule that the airline can't possibly get any more bankrupt than it already is.

The Red Sox get into the (World) Series thanks to the fact that the New York Yankees � who were leading the American League championships three games to none, and have all-stars at every position, not to mention a payroll larger than the gross national product of Sweden � chose that particular time to execute the most spectacular choke in all of sports history, an unbelievable Gag-o-Rama, a noxious nosedive, a pathetic gut-check failure of such epic dimensions that every thinking human outside of the New York Metropolitan area experienced a near-orgasmic level of happiness. But there is no need to rub it in.

John Kerry easily sweeps to a 53-state landslide victory in the exit polls and has pretty much picked out his new Cabinet when word begins to leak out that the actual, physical voters have elected George W. Bush. Democrats struggle to understand how this could have happened, and, after undergoing a harsh and unsparing self-examination, conclude that red-state residents are morons.

On the military front, the president, in a move that sparks international outrage, announces that he is sending Ron Artest to Iraq.

...Iran continues to heatedly deny that it is developing nuclear weapons, but is unable to offer a plausible explanation as to why it purchased 200 pounds of enriched uranium on eBay.

There's lots more; I didn't spoil it for you. Barry is taking a year-long sabbatical soon, and will be missed (and welcomed back warmly), so this may be one of his last new pieces for some time. Check it out.

Posted by at 12:23 AM | Comments (0)

December 15, 2004

On Dasher, On Vixen, On Bangalore, Too!

Enough said?

with thanks to Brett in the Great White North for sending this to me!

Posted by Steven at 10:36 AM | Comments (0)

December 14, 2004

Formula Radio

Broadcast radio sucks these days, in large part due to the FCC overturning regulations regarding multiple ownership of stations within markets. Conglomerates like Clear Channel have been buying up bunches of stations, and then slot each one in a given market: one will be Classic Rock, one will be C&W, and so on. Yeah, we've still got the non-com segment of the FM band, but innovative formats are pretty dead.

We spent the Thanksgiving holiday break with relatives in Mississippi, and while there, found a station that was playing nothing but Christmas music. This to me was a new thing, though perhaps it's been tried in years past. It wasn't especially interesting, but at least it was something different, and our little one likes the holiday season tunes.

Driving back to Austin, we came across another all-Christmas station somewhere in Louisiana. And, here at home, our own KKMJ-FM 95.5 "Majic", which promotes itself as a Soft Rock station, is currently going with the all-Christmas format. KKMJ is owned by Infinity Broadcasting, which owns 179 other stations across the land. Somehow I don't think these stations decided to go with the all-Christmas format on their own.

Despite listening to KKMJ semi-regularly while driving over the past month -- I like a festive mood as much as anyone, and much of the rest of the FM band sucks -- I've yet to hear Springsteen's ripping version of Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town, which is probably my favorite Christmas song ever; well, that or Weird Al's selections. And some of the songs being played are terrible. I can understand that, for such a limited format, any song that even alludes to Christmas will get thrown into rotation, but damn, some of them should have the master tapes erased. (Or is it now, master files deleted?) (And yet, no Bruce and Clarence and Little Steve. Feh.)

Radio doesn't have to suck, but right now, it does. Someday I'll probably make the jump to XM or Sirius. I own some stock in both, and XM is getting a full-season Major League Baseball package starting next year. Drool.

Some of you may have stumbled across an animation-laden site known as Homestar Runner. If you have, I won't bother describing it, and if you haven't, I won't spoil it. It may take a while to warm to the content, but HR has some absurdly funny stuff. The most popular (by far) character, Strong Bad, has a weekly feature wherein he answers an email. This week, he talks about radio announcing on the air, and riffs a couple of different announcer types. Check it out.

Posted by at 09:59 PM | Comments (1)

November 10, 2004

We're Sorry!!

49% of America apologizes to the world at sorryeverybody.com. The gallery is fairly impressive. Be sure to submit your very own apology.

Posted by at 10:44 AM | Comments (0)

November 09, 2004

For Us, Against Us

From a good friend in the United States of Canada:

Posted by Steven at 08:55 AM | Comments (0)

October 26, 2004

The French Gnome Behind Bush's Bulge

Here is the French tailor who claims that Bush's suit bulge is normal:

Read about this character in The Hill.

Posted by Steven at 11:02 PM | Comments (0)

October 24, 2004

Blindfolds for Bush